My oldest friend — we met in nursery school and are now in our 60s — is about to be paroled from prison after six years. She pleaded guilty to manslaughter in the death of her sister and to charges of animal cruelty. (Two dogs were also killed.) When she is released, she will have to move in with her parents, not far from me. She still insists that the reports of the police investigation are “all lies.” But it’s clear to me that much of what was reported was true. While she was incarcerated, I wrote her letters and sent her books because I felt sorry for her situation. But now that she is being paroled, I can’t abide the pressure to accept her lies. Any advice on exiting this relationship without causing pain?
FRIEND
You have no obligation to remain friends. One of the consequences of bad behavior is that others may choose to cut ties with us — even our oldest friends. Still, I find it hard to believe that the sympathy that fueled your letters and gifts while your friend was in prison has suddenly vanished now that her parole is imminent.
If I am wrong, be straight with her. Tell her you no longer want to be in contact. If you are willing to go a bit farther, though, you may be well positioned to offer a great kindness: Explain that her failure to take responsibility for her actions — claiming the reports were “all lies,” for instance — has made your friendship untenable. Encourage her to be honest with herself and others. She may not change her story, but you will have offered a true path to redemption.
Now, this approach may cause her pain — as any ending to your long friendship might. But it would seem more consistent with your loyalty during her incarceration than simply disappearing from her life. Still, it’s your decision. I urge you only to think about it.
May I Be Excused? I’m Having Trouble Breathing.
On Thanksgiving, my family went to dinner at my sister-in-law’s house. As dinner began, our teenage daughter, who has asthma, became short of breath. I suspected it was triggered by house cats, so I took her outside and stayed with her to make sure she was OK. Eventually, I grabbed our plates from the table so we could eat outdoors. When we rejoined the party, our hostess was livid. So, I explained why we had eaten outdoors. She yelled at me and called me rude. I felt so uncomfortable that we left. She has since said she will never invite us to her home again. Was I rude?
MOTHER
I am reluctant to add fuel to a fire that should have died by now. (Thanksgiving was ages ago!) I agree that your sister-in-law overreacted: It made perfect sense for you to remove your daughter from an environment that you believed caused an asthma attack. Her safety is paramount.
But I also find it odd that you seem to have taken your plates outdoors without first explaining the situation to your host or asking her permission. She may have reacted just as dramatically, but we’ll never know because you didn’t say anything until later. I suggest both of you acknowledge your missteps and move on.
Power Down Your Gaydar
I am a gay woman. My cousin, 28, has only dated men, but she sets off my gaydar. At my wedding, other queer people asked who the hot gay woman was — referring to my cousin. She thought this was hilarious. Recently, she shared that she’s unhappy in her dating life and has started seeing a therapist. (She told my sister, “Men are so clingy with me, I can’t stand it.”) Can I ask her if she’s considered dating women?
COUSIN
I am aggressively uninterested in your so-called gaydar (and that of random wedding guests). Your cousin’s autonomy is more important than your stubborn speculation. You’ve already told her that people at your wedding thought she was gay.
Still, she confided in you and your sister about her unhappiness (which, to me, seems more about intimacy than sexuality). I would take that as an invitation to discuss her feelings if she’s willing. But I would listen more than speak — and stop well short of suggesting a same-sex solution. She is the best judge of her sexuality.
The Conversation Was Sparkling. So Was the Residue.
A good friend has a new romantic interest. We are huge fans! The problem: He wears loose glitter in his hair. The last time he visited, our home was covered in tiny, impossible-to-gather pieces of glitter. We want to support this new relationship, and dictating how people dress doesn’t sit well with us. But the glitter mess is overwhelming. Can we say something to our friend?
GLITTER BOMBED
Ah, the fine line between adornment and litter! Of course you can say something. My theory — after consulting with my barber — is that the boyfriend is not using enough hair gel (or other adhesive) to keep the glitter in place.
Don’t talk to your friend. That’s tattling. Speak to the boyfriend directly: “We’ve loved getting to know you! The next time you come over, can you use more adhesive with your glitter? I hate to sound picky, but we’re still digging it out of the sofa from your last visit.” Who could object?
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